Widdershinz

A frin o the Perfessr haz a blawg where he dared the readrz ta guess the meanin o "floccinaucinihilipilification." Ah kahnda thot it maht have sumpin ta do with "pullin' the wool over folks' eyez" (or else an indekorus way o sayin that sumpin was nuthin but a pile of sheep's dung). Turnz out that's not whud it meanz.

Now, whuddewe thank "widdershinz" iz? Izzat refurrin ta mah lower legz? (Thoz iz so ugly, nobody'd bother makin a wurd up fer them.) Ahl let the readerz do the "legwurk" ov findin out the meanin. :)

RIP Fer Langwijuz

The Perfessr sed that there'z a whole buncha langwijuz that's headed fer extinkshn (http://www.yourdictionary.com/elr/nextinct.html). Thass so sad! But evn Inglish'z goin that way: all ya hear innymore iz Spanish. The Perfessr sez that the Mexicuns iz "retroactively" (ah guess that meanz they're really bizzy at it) winnin' the Spanish-Amurrkn War thru "demmergrafix" (izzat referrin ta the gruffeetee they spray all over bildinz?).

Alodda Noyz Bowt Nuthin

The Perfessr jis done tole me that all acrosst the land, they're passin' all kinda anti-noyze lawz. Wayull, thass good: fer all the blastid noyze, ya kint hear the cowz er the mockerz er the breeziz no more. N ahm knvinced that in anuther jinrashn er 2, all babyz'll be born with bilt-in walkmun gadjits on their hayudz.

Whud IZ it that mekks folk so uhdiktid ta NOYZE? Whuss wrong with quaht, with sahlince, with stillniss----with yer own THOTS??? Thin agin, moss folk nahadayz don't hav non o thoze; they're so bizzy watchin that thar idjut-toob [whut ah call "brayn-puddin'"] that they don bothr ta yooz their nogginz no more. The Perfessr tole me that whin yer watchin T.V., yer brayn'z in the same mode az whin yer sleepin. He said it wuz a "semi-hipnotik state." Who'n their raht MAHND'd wanna be that way? So then, whahl yer sittin there lahk a vejtibul, hipnotahzd by that thar screen, the awthorteez kin go ahid 'n sneek all kinda rot into yer mahnd. [The Perfessr sed it wuz a modern vurzhn of "bread 'n surkussiz."]

No thanx, ah want mah thots ta hav the same freedum ta graze az the cowz 'n horsiz haz. Ah lahk fresh air aroun mah hayud n IN it, too!

Cowz'n Meddlerz

The cowz 'n ah iz wurreed: there wuz a cuppla survayerz sneakin' aroun the primutr ov the properdee this mornin. Ah asked'm whether they wuz goin ta be bildin, but the man sed they wuz jis survayin. Wayul, ah thank that survayin only happinz bafor ewe build.

Ah gotta lissn aroun n see whud ah kin fahnd out. I'd hate ta see mah li'l refyooj where ahz livd in peess n trankwillitee fer ever'n ever-----ah'd hate ta see it turned into a oshn ov dvelupmint.

Other wurree fer the cowz iz zat Spot (thass the wun thass black as coal) haz a cole: her nose looks like it haz white ahssikulz hangin off her nostrilz. Ah hope she don git newmonya. Them cowz iz mah beluvid nayburz; ewe koont ask fer bedder folk next door.

Inkurrijin Purvurts

The newz had a ardikle this mornin: "Professors Use BTK Killer Case in Courses." Jis grate, jis grate: by tellin the whole worl about how excitid forinsix stoonts iz about this "yet unsolved" case, they iz nkurrijin that thar killer.

Ah thank jurnlists iz nuthin mor'n vulchurz in yoomun disguyz. They don keer who gits hurt whin they publish thangz like "How to build a dirty bomb" or whin they discrahb in detail how a murder wuz dun. They iz evn mor dispickubble than the pahlitishnz.

Them Whacky 4-Ledder Wurdz

The Perfessr 'n mah schoolmarm frin wuz discussin the "Mire'z-Briggz Persunnalitee Invintoree" (ah don idmire wurdz that gitchoo all mired down in incomprehinsibilitee!). Sppozidlee, the Perfessr iz a "INFP" and the schoolmarm iz a "ENTJ." But ah said that seein' that "ENTJ" spellz "gent," it otter be the Perfessr who'z the ENTJ. (They fell off their rockerz laffin. Whah? Mah idee wuz purfecklee lojicull.)

N thin ah said that to mekk madderz wurse, whin ya rewrite INFP, it sounz too much like the exack OPUZZIT of a "gent." (That made'm HOWWWL and roll right out onto the PORCH! Whut in tarnashn iz their problum?? Ah wuz jis tryin ta perteck the Perfessr! This iz whatchoo git fer bein a insightful hillbilly!)

Whin he finally recoopr8d from his chokin attack, he said ah had a point, bec. that same "configyoorashn" ('rangement? Jis TELL me whut figz haz ta do with spellin!) of ledders that's the opuzzit of a gent also sounz a lot like what they called a yung Hitler Youth mimbr. (Figyerz Hitler'd do that ta young felluz.) So no madder hah ewe stack them ledderz, they jis don't do right by the Perfessr. He kint possiblee be no "INFP."

Innyway, ah wannid ta know what ah wuz (but ah said ah wuzn't akseptin no soap-mouth wurdz). They hemmd 'n haw'd n consultid fer a while, then they reckond ah wuz probably a ISTP. "PIST"???? Ah thank that's the PITS!!! (Even tho it's tru, ahz madder'n a hornit at the Ole Man n the revenooers.) "SPIT"???? Yup, that's about all ewe can do at this "invintoree"........

But wait a minit!!!!! On 2nd thot, I think them ledderz might be purty akyoorut, cuz "PIST" iz short for "pistol"------n ah AM, after all, the best sharp-shooder in the turritoree.

Ah Ain't No Fiminist, BUT!!!!

Ah wuz jiss fixin sum stuff here at mah blawg (ah tekk great PRAHD in this here book o mahn!) whin the Perfessr glanced ovr mah sholdr and said that thass whuss called "emendayshnz." Nah, mindjoo, the 2nd sylbl of that wurd makes sinse, cuz yer "mendin" the wurdz ewe wrote. N sumtahmz it really DUZ seem lahk it teks me a whole day ta kreck mah scribblinz. But now, whud ah don git iz, if'n a wummin iz doin the "mendin," hah cum it ain't called "shemendayshnz"???

Seemz ta me that moss o the tahm, it's us wimmin who duz the mendin, so we otter git credit!!! Ah nevr got no credit fer nuthin frum the Ole Man. He tuk me fer granite evr day ov ar murrij. N thar warn't NO way ta mend that thar rlayshnship (thass too fancy a wurd fer it: it warn't grand enuff ta be a ship; it wuz a raff that wuz alwayz on the vurj o topplin ovr in the feerce rapidz ov ar bickrin n drownin us. N he wuz the crotchetyest cappin ewe'z EVER seed!) You'da had ta yooz thrayud az thick'z a tow-line tah fix the tearz (n ah mean that az a PUN, dontcha know!) in that murrij.

Thass whah ahz been so frazzled 'n frayed all theez yearz. He jis run me down, scrapin me over them rocks all the tahm.

Smarddy-Pants Kwestchunz

Sum smardalleck out there askt me how ah cood do the innernet whin ah hain't got no lektricitee. HRMPH! Igneraymuss! Ah yooziz the Perfessr's 'pyoodr: it don need no jooss; it jis runz on air (he sez thass called "wireliss"---ah wish they'd mek wireliss spekticulz, cuz thenn ah woon't alwayz be loozin mahn off mah noze!).

Ah wannid the Perfessr ta do sum posts here, too, but he sez that then there'd be (n ahz kwotin here) a "breech o style." (Whut duz this blawg hav ta do with fancy britchiz???) He sez that his post'd "disrupp" mahn. Ah sed, whah? If ahz invahtin ewe? But he'z reel modiss n humbul, n he don wanna "innerfeer" with mah posts. Sed sumpin bout that would rooin th awthinticitee (well, but if he ahdinnifahd himseff? Ewe folk'd know it wuz him 'n not me, raht? Ah declayuh, ah jis don unnerstand the mind ov edjook8d folk: they haz such COMMMMplik8d reeznin!)

Ahz wunnrin if mebbe he'z jis too plite tah tell me face ta face that he'd be too imburrussed ta be "seen" with me at the same blawg? Thin agin, he'z a reel good frin, he cumz ta mah house all the tahm n helps me out. But that ain't sumpin where hiz fancy-pants colleegz'll see his writin' next ta mine. Mebbe this iz a job-relatid mattuh. He might git fahrd fer publishin in a white trash blawg. (Aftr all, they don considr our scribblinz real litrutcher.)

Thin agin, mah schoolmarm frin jis tole me that thar'z a "branch o litrutcher" (whut do treez hav ta do with writin???) that dealz with dahlectikull writin (which iz whut she sez mah scribblinz iz). She tole me that, who nowz, sum day, the folk who studdee dahlex might cum knockin at mah door ta innervyoo me. Na, that'd be mahty fahn. Ah'd be famuss!!!!! Majin that! (She sez that thar'z even a Pyoolitzr Prahz winnin white trash writer from the New York Timez named Rick Bragg. She sez he's one o her favrts!)

But she'd havta tek me ta the big ciddee to a fabric store ta buy sum new muteriul: ah hain't made a new dress in about 10 yearz! Ah coon't show up on mah porch in mah ole ragz! If them folk saw me in them, whah, they'd run away az fass az if they'd been skunked!

Fun With Bugz (Non-Digidul, That Iz)

Ah haz a frin, a retahrd furn langwij schoolmarm. She wrote the bess story 'bout white flies! Ah nivr git tahrd o this story. She giv'd me purmishn ta publish it here, n ah thought ewe folk'd injoy it, too (even if we don injoy them pesky varmints, the flies!!!). [The asturoidz after a sintince meanz thar'z a footnote down at the boddom o the post.]

WHITE FLIES NEVER FAIL

Once upon a time, some bushes complained about being too blah."We want to look venerable like those trees draped with Spanish Moss down in the swamp forests." *

So they put in an order to the Celestial Mail Order Catalogue for beards.

Soon, little winged creatures flew to the bushes and laid tiny white eggs on the undersides of the leaves.

"Hold it!!!!" the bushes shouted. "We asked for beards, not bugs! You guys must've gotten your catalogue #'s mixed up!" **

"Just be patient," the tiny flies answered. "A few days and you'll have beards all over the place."

Dubious, the bushes settled down to wait. Day one passed. Then, day 2.

"Service just isn't what it used to be," grumbled the oldest bush. "Look at this: we order beards and they send us beads! What do they think we are? Flower Children?"

"Hey guys!!" one of the other bushes yelled. "Look at me!!! I'm starting to grow soft white fuzz!" He was so excited, all his leaves quivered.

The next day, the bushes looked like they were hiding a huge clan of trolls: their leaves trailed 100's of silky silver beards that waved gently in the breeze.

"Well, I'll be an oak tree!" exclaimed the oldest bush. "Who could've known that beads can turn to beards?"

"Should've trusted us," the White Flies chided. "We always deliver."

[Course the morull of this story iz: cavayuht emptor! (Ah hav that on the good awthortee of the Perfessr.) I thank that means, a lodda tahmz, whatchoo wuz hopin fer turnz out ta be nuthin more'n a big empty holler in the groun.]

*Ah nowz them swamps real wayull; whin ah wuz school-age, we lived by one. The gatorz wuz az thick az sunbathrz on Daytona Beach at Sprang Brake!

**Ah kint even COUNT the minny tahmz they'z dun that ta me, too! How bout the tahm they sint me some Scotch tape whin ah ordered a mezhrin tape; anuther tahm, ah ordered a suit case, n whud I git? A kit fer "writin yer own litigashn" (whuddever THAT iz!) Ah do beleeve them folk readz evn wurse'n ah do!!

Cyber-Diskriminashn

Ah dunno whah, whin ah wuz doin mah profile, it jiss woon't post mah favrt mooveez. We hain't got no lectricitee in theez here parts, so ah injoy live ennertaynmint lahk: cowz givin each uther bathz or else talkin to their calves; a roadrunner thumpin across mah roof wild-eyed, with a big lizard hangin limp outta his mouth like sum sorta worn-out ragdoll; mockinburdz divebommin hawks who iz tryin ta git the mockerbabiez; blooburdz huvrin ovr the field like feathered dragonflahz; the cloudz at sunset, paintin gorjuss tablowz across the sky in cranberry or pink or lavindr or orunj. (Ah thank thass the bess ballay aroun.)

Rich folk sez we'z "impovrishd" (the Perfessr tole me that jiss means todally penniless----nuther one o them useliss, snooty-tooty wurdz!!!), but hey, they hav ta pay a arm n a layg ta go ta sum movie theeatr, or sum consrthall, but ah kin jis stay rahtcheer at home, on mah porch er in mah backyard and not pay a cint ta git all kindza free showz.

Whah Ah Writes In Big Ledderz

Sumbody tole me thatcha don wanna yooz larj ledderz if'n ewe don wantcher blawg ta look first-graderish. Wayull, since ah only evr wint ta firs grade, wha shood ah wanna look hi-falutin? Besahdz, this way, more folk might read mah scribblinz: they don need ta skwint whin they cum here. (The Perfessr tole me thass whuss called "writin fer yer audyince." Cordin ta him, that's real advanct thankin [ah need all the hayulp ah kin git!])