Spam: The Noo MurthMekkr

Theez iz adz frum mah emayl box:

Turn the worm in your pants into a python [Who'd wanna mekk the ringwurm git bigger?!]

Unleash your tank cannon 2day [Thiss muss be sumpin bowt tranzformin yer owthowse inta a weppin fer the cummin NWO tekkovr]

Women hate men with small equipment [Ah dunno, ah purfur the dinnist ta yooz the smallest drill possibl]

With a 9-inch tool you'll always be confident [No. Revenooerz only respeck shootin ahrnz, not no rinky-dink screwdriver.]

She can't get enough of my tool now [Iss troo, wuncetchoo lurnz how awl them toolz in hiz shayud wurks, they'z TUNZA fun ta run! Almoss az good az a nittn musheen!]

Grow and grow non-stop [Skoolmarm commints on this: great material for a hilarious satire, aka "The man whose male member grew to the size of the Empire State Building" (totally dwarfing him): he ended up scaring AWAY all the ladies, since his "tool" became the new Godzilla...]

Presto Changeo!

Got this in a emayl:

It is true that the Splenda molecule is comprised of sucrose (sugar) — except that three of the
hydroxyl groups in the molecule have been replaced by three chlorine atoms.

While some industry experts claim the molecule is similar to table salt
or sugar, other independent researchers say it has more in common with
pesticides. That's because the bonds holding the carbon and chlorine
atoms together are more characteristic of a chlorocarbon than a salt —
and most pesticides are chlorocarbons. The premise offered next is that
just because something contains chlorine doesn't guarantee that it's
toxic. And that is also true, but you and your family may prefer not to
serve as test subjects for the latest post-market artificial sweetener
experiment — however "unique."

Ah yooz Splendy awl the time. It don hav a lodda carbz. Ah kin't believe a pesticide cuzzin cood taste that sweet! Whodda thunk't kloreen'd hav sech tasty kinfolk?

Yew reckun that mebbe over tahm, it'll bleach the sass owta me?

Since Whin?

I don unnerstand this imuj: why would ah want "fuller" hair? A fuller'll jiss mekk it white, but mahn'z bowt az white as Anny R. Dick. But whuss evn mohr puzzlin? Since whin do white hair mekk a body look yunger? Ah meen, ah know't in this day 'n aje, "sick" = "good," "hot" = "cool," raunchy = "sexy," n evil = "good" (Isaiah had a lot ta say bowt that), folk diez thur hayur pink n purpl 'n green, but snowy hair = younger lookin? 'At seemz ta go too fur evn fer taday'z whacky yardstick.