Sunday, November 26, 2006

Frum The Horse's Pat----Er, Mouth

Ah wunce briefly pertissipatid @ a forum that functioned as a Leftist cyberchurch, their meetin place fer fellowship, reinforcin each utherz' doktrinz, and mullinin the infidelz (thoze ov us who warn't Left). Their favrit kunnard wazzat Darwinizm din't in no way hav nuthn ta do with the "death" o God (cumpletely contradictin folk such as Provine, who haz the innerlekshooal integriddy ta call a spade a spade). Iss too bad they ain't well rayud enuff ta know Steven Gould's own argyoomint in that direkshn:

"The radicalism of natural selection lies in its power to dethrone some of the deepest and most traditional comforts of Western thought, particularly the notion that nature's benevolence, order, and good design, with humans at a sensible summit of power and excellence, proves [sic] the existence of an omnipotent and benevolent creator who loves us most of all (the old-style theological version), or at least that nature has meaningful directions, and that humans fit into a sensible and predictable pattern regulating the totality (the modern and more secular version)."

"Traditional comforts"? Izzit a cumfurt ta yew, Mr. G, ta thank that (see my prevyuss post) yew'z gonna be accownid az nuthn but a phantom by the One who gived ewe the vurry brainz ta write that purragraff? Izzit a cumfurt ta know yew'll spind eterniddy in a never-indin lava-hot Primordial Soup Pit?

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Scientistic Opyum Ixchange

Tidbits frum the La Jolla Salk Institute Nov. 5-7 convention, “Beyond Belief: Science, Religion, Reason and Survival:"

"...who doesn’t have God on the brain..." (Dr. Tyson) Course not: it'd be much beddr ta hav Darwin on the brain...

"I am utterly fed up with the respect that we — all of us, including the secular among us — are brainwashed into bestowing on religion.” (Dawkins) Yew refurrin ta all them TV showz & books and ardikklz---bullyunz n bullyunz ovm---bowt bugz n beasts n plants n planits, ever last wun ovm sachratid with Darwiniun refrinciz? Ewe mean all them thar "Ascint o Man" posterzzat plastered publick "school" classroomz fer decadez?

“...the world needs to wake up from its long nightmare of religious belief...” (Steven Weinberg) 'Ass ironik, cuz it todully contradix whut God sez in His WORD about His rejectorz: "Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when Thou dost rouse Thyself, Thou shalt despise them as phantoms" (PSALM 73:20).

“I think we need to respect people’s philosophical notions unless those notions are wrong.” (Lawrence M. Krauss) So long, Furss Amindmint. We knowd fer a long tahm that yew wuz a fossil dokumint. We churrish yer sakrid mimry.

Say It Uhgin, Ann!

Mah fevvert cawlumniss haz penned anuthr bullzeye (wish ah had fown this munss back whin ah wuz doin mah cartoon marython):

The "offense to Islam" ruse is merely an excuse for Muslims to revert to their default mode: rioting and setting things on fire. These people have a serious anger management problem.

Psalm 1 from the PC Bible

1 Blessed is the man that walketh in the counsel of the ungodly, and standeth in the way of sinners, and sitteth in the seat of the scornful. 2 His delight is in the law of Darwin; and in his laws doth he meditate day and night. 3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the primordial slime, that bringeth forth his rottenness in his season; his leaf also shall wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall not prosper. [Other manuscripts add: Behold, is it not so? See how the modern world hath become a sludge pit!]
4 The godly are not so: but are like Mount Zion, which cannot be swayed, but abides forever. 5 Therefore the godly shall not stand in the kangaroo courts like the Scopes Trial, nor the upright in the congregation of the Sodomites. 6 For Darwin knoweth the way of the unrighteous: but the way of the godly shall become exinct.

The New 10 Commandments

1. Thou shalt have no other God besides Darwin (exemptions apply only to feminists who prefer Gaia).
2. Thou shalt not build any houses for worshipping Yahweh.
3. Thou shalt not blaspheme by uttering the term "Intelligent Design."
4. Remember the 12th of February, to keep it holy.
5. Honor the egg and the sperm that were responsible for thine existence.
6. Thou shalt not kill anything non-homosapiens.
7. Thou shalt not commit monogamy, especially not of the heterosexual kind.
8. Thou shalt not hinder the almighty gov't. from stealing from thee under the guise of taxation.
9. Thou shalt not commit hate-speech.
10. Thou shalt diligently engage in consumerism & creditcard overload.

Letter 2 Santa

21st Century Insecurities
2100 Racketeering Avenue
Bleedudry, NY 21000

Durwood Sneery, H8NU
Vice President Administrative Services
Phone: 1-800-BLEEDNU

11/25/06

Venerable Jolly Old St. Nicolas
Santa’s Workshop
North Pole

Dear Sir,

In view of our company’s recent policy changes of not insuring either obese individuals or those engaged in litigation or guilty of bigotry, we regret to inform you that your insurance coverage has been cancelled.

In the event that these three conditions should undergo any change, please do not hesitate to contact us about reinstating your coverage.

Cordially,

Durwood Sneery


Thur'z Gonna Be Lossa Teary Tots

Breaking News:
PETA Targets North Pole

Polar Ice Caps: A spokeself for Santa's Workshop has just announced that until ongoing litigation against Santa ends, Christmas will suffer an indefinite postponement. PETA is suing Old Nick for animal abuse: "It is the most egregious mistreatment of reindeer not only forcing them to fly, but in the process, to haul colossal tonnage in a sleigh," said S. Owerpuss, PETA's Harnessed Slave Animals Specialist.


In a related development, PETA and People 4 The Secularist Way are also planning a joint campaign, "Humbug 2100," to make the celebration or mention of Christmas a federal offense. An auxiliary objective would entail hanging portraits of Scrooge in every schoolroom, library, municipal and federal building.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Whodda Thunk?

Next time summun tries ta convince ewe it wuz the Demzzat birthed the movemint ta git wimmin out inta the workforce, tell 'at pursun ta thank agin:

When equity feminists formed the National Woman’s Party in 1917, they, too, pushed for equal work and equal pay for women outside the home. (There is evidence to suggest that the National Association of Manufacturers secretly funded the party.) When this party drafted its proposed Equal Rights Amendment in 1923, it came as no surprise that the National Association of Manufacturers immediately endorsed it and that Republicans served as its chief sponsors in both the US House and Senate. The Republican party also was the first to endorse the ERA in its Platform.


The common goals of the equity feminists and big business—hostility to the “family wage”; the inclusion of all women, especially young mothers, in the labor market; the commodification of all human activity—made this a strong political alliance. Once the Birth Control League of America cleverly changed its name to Planned Parenthood, it, too, found a compatible home in the GOP; indeed, by the 1950s, Planned Parenthood was a favored charity [!!!] among Republican women’s clubs...

Between 1913 and 1933, moreover, the Democratic party became the favored home of the Social Feminists, or the Maternalists as some now call them: women including Julia Lathrop, Florence Kelley, Frances Perkins, Grace Abbott, Mary Anderson, Frances Kellor, and Molly Dewson. These women believed in equality of rights but difference in function. The first duty of all women, they held, was the defense of home and infant life. And they believed that a career outside the home was incompatible with good mothering.

Sumpin lahk this socks ewe in the solar plexus, same way it does when you thank abowt Ike havin nominadid Burger. Ah guess in a way, Marx wuz right: histree iz a Leftist.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Why Ah Thank Flosofferz Iz Idjuts

Ah jis hurd the Perfessr referrin ta "phenomenalizm" in a conversashn he wuz havn on the fone. Ah dun gone n lookt it up (tho it took me a while: how do yew SPAYULL it??? Fnomnullizm?)

Phenomenalism is the view that physical objects, properties, events (whatever is physical) are reducible to mental objects, properties, events. Ultimately, only mental objects, properties, events, exist — hence the closely related term subjective idealism. [Ah don git it: in the net affeck, how duzzis differ frum "solipsizm"?]

Zzat so? Wayull, then pleez ixplayn ta me how, fer iggzampl, a whole crowd, thowzundz a folk in a stadyum, how kin they all be seein the same footbawl game at the same tahm? N furthr, do them thar fnomnolojists jis ignore sumpin lahk cancer er gangrene on thur own karkussiz?

OK, ah jis realized sumpin: Mary Baker Eddy n ilk wuz fnomnolojists. Fnomnullizm'z a relijion, donchoo know! (In case ewe din't noddice: mah spellin bringz owt the real nachur ov its bleefs...) Echoz o Berkeley.

Hold ON!!!!! Ah'z jis havin one "aha momint" after unuthr: Berkeley? Of course! Hiz crazy mentul methane explainz all the nonsense thass been goin on since the 60's in the city named after him! Finally, proof pozitiv o whut ah'z bin sayin all uhlong bowt them Socio-Plitikl Termites: their sekyoolurizm iz nuthn more than a (stealth) rlijn.

As one feller put it: "Philosophy has always seemed to me as something to occupy Freshmen until they grew up enough to see the real world looking over their shoulders, and a kind of mental masturbation [LMTO!!!], along the lines of "Hey, dude, what if *insert any idea occurring to a drunk or stoned mind*?"

[Later] The Perfessr jiss informd me that them thar smarddy pants folk in the West who thanx they wuz so brillyunt in kummin up with this idee of "fnomnullizm"? They wuz jis a bunch a plajurrists, cuz iss nuthn more'n the anshunt Hindu bleef in "Maya." Majin flossufferz sneekin in lies lahk that!

But wuncet agin, ah fahnd the WORD mah shore guide: it tellz me thar's nuthin new unner the sun (ECCL. 1:9) and that Ole Archfiend maskeradez az a anjul o light (2 COR. 11:14).

Superstishuss Siamese

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) - Thailand's new military-appointed government has threatened to shut down an operatic version of the Hindu epic Ramayana, ostensibly over fears one of its scenes may bring bad luck. (imphaseez mahn)

Ah reckunnat thar guvmint muss be feelin purdy insekyoor ta be reactin 'at way. (Whut, they'z still fetterd bah fearz o "bad luck"?!?! ROTFL! Mebbe, then, they awwta replace thur jinrullz with wizardz!)

But then, in the histry o the wurl, haz yew evr knowd the militurry ta be strong on imajinashn er yoomer er flexibility?

Iss lahk askin a pachyderm ta do ballay.

ROMANS 1:19-20, Here We Kum!

ABC Pulls Ad Campaign For Assemblies of God

Ne'r mahnd fer a momint that ah ain't fond o AOG theawlujjy er practiciz: this iz anuthr wunna thim iggzamplz ov the Socio-Plitikl Termites' jihad aginst God. They's jiss TURRIFIED o Him! (Mahndjoo: they'z got a ban on thangz lahk racizm, pornawgruffy, and sech, too; so in effeck whut they'z sayin izzat minchnin God iz in the same cattygory az sexshwull filth.) Hevvn ferBID that thar shood be even the slightist acknawlidjmint that thar'z a Creador "out thar" n that He cood hav innythang utTALL ta do with yer life.

Course, what them dimwits at ABC n thur kawleegz don unnerstan izzat the Whole Creation iz a blazin neon ad fer God's iggzistunce AND Hiz Creatorship. Not ta minshn the clammerin o man'z made-in-God'z-imuj heart.

Iss innerestin: in the newz, we offin see them pitiabl imujiz o Bangladeshi starvashn n sech, but ah gurrintee yew, iff'n yew could git a "MRI" o "modurn" man'z soul, all ewe'd see iz a putheddik wisp ov a toothpick figgur.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Frum Reformd Bastion 2 Muzlim Haven

Dutch move to ban burka in public

Now, mahndjoo, az yew know frum urlyer posts o mahn, ah ain't no fan o Izlahm. N ah hain't got no yoos fer wimmin who thanx't bah playin Caspar the ghost all year rown, they'z gittin sum sorda brownee points with Allah.

Bud it seemz ta me that this ban jis might kwallify az taday's furss place in straynin gnats n swallrin camelz. Bucuz burka'z ain't nuthn compared to yoothinazher.

The rashnal fer this trajikommikul ban? "From a security standpoint, people should always be recognizable and from the standpoint of integration, we think people should be able to communicate with one another." But less not innergrayt the wunz we wanna kill off, nuh uh, not ta minshn that the surist way ta ind summun kummyoonikatn iz by killn 'm off (the Naziz proved that real thurrlee).

Innerestinly enuff, the same ban appliez ta ski-masks 'n full-faced helmits. Yew reckun if them thar Dutch sellybratid Hallerween, the ban'd ixtind ta costume masks? N ah guess yew kin't hav no masked ball, then, in that land, neither.

Sownz lahk innymore, the Dutch cood kwalify fer mah "Sourpuss o the Year" uhward.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Encore, Feller, Encore!

"What have we become, the civilisation of melted butter?" (Roberto Calderoni, Italy's Northern League Party)

Friday, November 10, 2006

Haggard On Clinton

"Bill Clinton's White House was the most responsive in recent history," he said. "He really wanted to please evangelical Christians. He's a Bible-believing Christian himself; his problem was, he was a sex addict." (Article)

?!?!?!?!?!

A Thundruss **AMMMMMMMMEN**!!!

Doug had more ta say in that thar comminturry of hizn that ah jis kwodid frum in mah prevyuss poss:

The thing we all need to do is stop putting up with the "acceptable" parts of these scandals. Okay, we don't put up with gay escorts and drug dealers. But when are we going to stop putting up with mealy-mouthed obscurings of scriptural teaching on sexual matters, and when are we going to stop putting up with the smoke, vanity and conceit of the evangelical marketing machine? (All imfaseez mahn)

He's Dun It Agin!

Mah favert satrist, Doug Wilson, jiss done gone n shot another bullz-eye:

"Contemporary evangelicalism is nothing more than institutionalized narcissicism."

'Zackly: 'ass why ah avoidzzem kinda churchiz like a deer bolts frum a rattler.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Updatid "Trojun" Horse

Woontchoo know't Quedaites'd be lookin fer comftrbl loopholez. Real smart cunnin. Uhnuthr modern day iggzampl of Lenin's statement bowt the boorjwazee pervahdin the innimy with the rope to hang itself.

Course, here on the home front, we don need ta recroot no fern nashnulz: we got a bran-new naddiv crop o Muzlim pollytishnz rightchere in owr own backyard.

Watch the pincerz ever so slowly cloze on the erstwhile Land o the Free...

Them Incendiary "MC" Wurdz

Wal-Mart will say, "Merry Christmas"

Ah dunno if ah shood be ROTFL er rendin mah clothez: on the wun hand, iss a teensy bit o progress when we git PC ta retreat, even if in ever so minor a way. (Cuz donchoo kidjerseff, the ban against sayin "Murry Chrissmuss" iz part ov a long-standin, much bigger project of exilin Christ and God from the Public Square [zzif there'z inny "definse" powerful enuff ta exclood the Omnipreznt Creator n Sustainer from Hiz Creation].) But the problim iz the moddivashn: Walmart's salez wint down the pass few yearz when they limitid thmselvz ta simply yoozin the jinurrik "holiday" theme. So, ta hike up thur profits, they'z returnin ta yoozin the MC approach.

Ah reckun this don jiss refleck on Wal-Mart's crass merssnurry spirit, but it also tellz us buckits bowt Amurrikun society in jinrull.

But thin, He did say't the tarez 'n the wheat'd be growin side by side till the end...

Monday, November 06, 2006

Vuryashnz On a Theme

Seein'z ah hain't nevr bin too fur frum mah plot o land, ah guess theze here test rezults iz mint more metter4ikly than litrully:
Ah reckun mah blawg here'd be mah li'l "boat" er "cuvvrd waggun."

'Ass More Lahk It!

Az yew knowz iffn yew'z read mah blog frum the start, ah only finisht furss grade, so ah'z got this hankrin fer testin (tho the Perfessr n Skoolmarm both thanx tests iz turrible). This here test wuz right on the mark (wayull, maybe not so much in the "concerned fer thur feelinz" dep't...):

Shood Ah Laff er Cry?

Thankin thar must be sum mistekk after the furss tahm, ah dun took this here test TWO tahmz, but nope, nuthn changed the 2nd tahm: evidently ah'z undeniably

(Me, 'maciatid??? Iss troo, ah'z an ole bagga bones, but thar'z plenny o paddin on'm...)

Course, pyoorly frum a kronerlawjikl stanpoint, mebbe yewda thunk this'd be more pplikubl:
But whut ah wuz sekritly hopin fer wuz
(Ah know, ah ain't "detacht" wun whit...)

Though ah rekkun awl mah innimeez out thar wooda peggd me az

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Disguised Kntimpt

Kwotes like this'un by Michael Medved alweez bring ta mahnd a uhkwaintunce who wuz ferevr bellyachin bowt the evilz o the middle class, all the while battening hizself on all the bennifits of said class.

If the Dems insist that ordinary citizens can’t succeed without government help, and the GOP emphasizes that hard work and decency still bring the American dream if bureaucrats and do-gooders stay out of the way, which side demonstrates the greater respect for the ability and potential of American strivers?


Despite their pose as “the party of the little guy,” the dominant Democrats are patronizing elitists who were born to privilege – people like Hillary Clinton, Howard Dean, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi and, yes, John Kerry. As a matter of fact, the very phrase “little guy” or “little people” is obviously condescending.