Talk Bowt Gittin Permodid!!

Toilet Cleaners Are 'Restroom Specialists' Ah guess bah the same lawjik, garbij min iz "Landfill speshlists" n dotin mommaz who chanjiz dahperz all day long iz "Huggies Speshlists."

Lessee, while we'z at it: pollytishnz iz "Camouflage Speshlists;" arsnists iz "Pyrotechnical Speshlists;" folk who wurk at soowij treetmint plants iz "Faecotropic Speshlists;" rapists iz "Penetration Speshlists;" murdererz iz "Termination Speshlists;" spiez iz "Infiltration Speshlists;" kleptermaynyax iz "Appropriation Speshlists;" n folk who kum up with these uhbzerd yoofeemizmz iz "Obfuscation Speshlists."

But id all stardid with the silly practice of dept. storez callin customerz "guests."

Anuthr Wun 4 Mah GrannyHallaFame

Granny, 75, found guilty of killing elderly ex-beau You thank mebbe she fownd owt he was a clozzit vurzhn o this feller?

Ewe might jis say us oldsterz haz cumma age.

Jennl Azza Doe?

Female Deer rushes into home, attacks woman. Yew reckun now't feminazism haz affectid evn them critterz, we might awtta change the species' name?

Notcher Yoozhwull Jimmeez

This evn beatszat granny ah wrote abowt earlier, the one who made hemp cookies: Man Hides Crack in His Banana Split Mindjoo, he warn't eatin 'at ole sundae; it was hiz hidin place fer crack chunx. (Ah reckunnat also beats hidin skunk n snow in a Home Depot toylit, donchoo?)

Kin't yew juss see it? Ben 'n Jurry marketin a new flavor called "Cracked Ice."

Not Mah Kinda Sharpshootin

California Man Wins Senior Spelling Bee Normally, he spinz hiz tahm shootin down argyoomints in a court room. But whuss really funny: "I think people probably thought I was crazy because I walked along spelling words out loud."

Kn ewe majin ME innat kinda contess? Att'd be bowt lahk lettin a blind man kmpeet in a shootin match. Ah'd be more hyoomilified than a jackal owtsmardid by a mouse.

The Evilooshn ov Evilooshn

In mah chahlhood, this poster hung on the wall of every classroom:
But now, we'z progressed: Oh, the mettle o Modern Man!

Ress Fer the Sowl

'Cordin ta the Pope, Sunday'z a surryuss day. Butchoo know whut? That ain't sum sorda new item in the long list o Catholic add-on teechinz; no sirree! Iss the 4th Commandmint: "Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it holy." Or, as God sez in Isaiah 58: "If you turn back your foot from the sabbath, from doing your pleasure on my holy day, and call the sabbath a delight and the holy day of the LORD honorable; if you honor it, not going your own ways, or seeking your own pleasure, or talking idly; then you shall take delight in the LORD, and I will make you ride upon the heights of the earth..."

Now, a feller named Richard Lapchick (director of the Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sports at the UCF in Orlando [izzat a lotta hot air or WHUT???]) thanx 'at's a bayud idee, cuz the church pewz'll impty out.

Why? "Sports is a religion in this country and a lot of the world." Bullzeye, Mr. Lapchick. Ah'll nevr 4git, a fyoo yeerz back, whin ah showed up fer the evnin surviss at a church on Super Bowl Sundee: not a grown-up innywhere in sight, but a buncha kids colorin at a table. "Izzere a surviss tanight?" I askt. "No, they're all downstairs watching the Super Bowl."

?!?!?!?!?!

But thar'z alweez been folk who had no use fer the Sabbuth; the profit Amos tells about'm (ch. 8): "[When will] the sabbath [be over], that we may offer wheat for sale, that we may make the ephah small and the shekel great, and deal deceitfully with false balances...and sell the refuse of the wheat?"

Fer sum reezn, it all bringz ta mahnd this scene: In the temple He found those who were selling oxen and sheep and pigeons, and the money-changers at their business. And making a whip of cords, He drove them all, with the sheep and oxen, out of the temple; and He poured out the coins of the money-changers and overturned their tables. And He told those who sold the pigeons, "Take these things away; you shall not make My Father's house a house of trade."

Here We Kum, Waco II

Domino's Pizza's founder wants ta build a Catholic town, Ave Maria, in FLA. But as yew cooda guessed, the ACLU'z up in armz bowt it. Fer one thang, they'z appawplektik bowt the town'z implicit oppuhzishn ta the "Librull" Establishmint's long-standin Death Culture Projeck (Ave Maria woon't have no abortion or sales o contryseptivz). ACLU

Now, regardliss o how yew feel bowt Catholicizm (n mah reederz know ah ain't no fan o that system), this jis goze ta show yew how UNcivil the A"C"LU really iz, and how OPPOSED they really iz ta "liberty." If this country's plitikl imyoon systim din't inclood a constitutional barrier ta religious pursikyooshn, yew kin betcher lass dime't the good ole ACLUerz'd be banishin Christchun folk ta the Gulagz in drovez. Az it iz, they haz ta limit 'mselvz ta yoozin the joodishree.

Yew thank ah'z iggzajeratin? Well, tekk a look at this: After members of the Tangipahoa Parish (La.) School Board hosted a conference to discuss religious liberties in the public school system, an ACLU spokesman compared the board members seeking to pray at meetings to "the people who flew the airplanes into the buildings in this country." (ACLU Compares Praying Christians to Terrorists)

Ah kin't help smellin anuther Waco.

Muzlimz Ain't Wurried Bowt No P.C.

Didjoo see this? Iss purty amazin! Militant cleric tells Bush, Howard to 'convert to islam' (Uhpropriuttly enuff, hiz lass name is "Bashir.") He'z echoin the "recommindashnz" back in January of unuther Muzlim leader called Zawahiri.

All right, Mr. Prez, they'z opind the door ta spurchool topix, so now'z yer chance ta cowner with the trooth: "Neither is there salvation in any other [besides Jesus Christ]: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved." "For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, Who gave himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time."

Fight the good fight, Mr. Prez. This wun'z infinitely more important than the wun yew'z got goin in Iraq. "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." "For though we live in the world we are not carrying on a worldly war, for the weapons of our warfare are not worldly but have divine power to destroy strongholds; we destroy arguments and every proud obstacle to the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..."

"Nude is out. Demure is in."

'At wuz part'v a ardikkl that incloodid this: Seventeen magazine has dubbed the new trend Miss Modesty. "The '50s sexy librarian look is in," a Seventeen fashion editor quipped to the Seattle Times reporter.

On the surfiss, 'at looks inkurrijin (but az a uhsahd, when didjoo evr see a "sexy" liburryun? Ah thank 'ass a oxymoron!), but ah don buleev it meenz much. Jis lookit the late 60'z (er wuz it the urly 70'z? Ah'z so ole, ah gits knfyoozd bowt dekaydz): thar wuzzat midi craze, but then, vinchooly, mini cum back agin.

Innyway, iss nice ta know't fer a while, mah mode o dress'll be fashnubbl agin. Evn a ole lady likes ta thank she's still stylish at leess oncet in a while. ;)