"Peace Officerz" Needid Fer WHUT????

Floridyunz iz payin fer the pohleece ta perteck copulatin (pardun the pun). Izziss a case o Wildlife Woodstock er whut?

Speakin O BlueSkins...

Fer jiss a momint, theze folk mighta thunk they had a real live aylyun on thur handz!

Of Dezirbl Job Hazzrdz

Ah reckun this here story might jiss cauz lotsa pothayudz ta apply fer bein firemin. (Bess part's the lass sintince!)

Greek Mythawlerjee Redux

Seemzzat "Modern" Man iz yurnin fer sum kinda return ta Classicizm: thar'z chimeraz waitin in the wingz.

2-Leggid Vapidity

You knowz frum readn prevyuss intriez here't mah blawg that ah ain't perticlurly fond o atheizm. Wayull, here'z a witty objecshn to it frum summun who should know, havn wuncet hizself bin a Scoffer: "If you are getting inner promptings, why should you pay any attention to them? It is as absurd as the idea of a compass with no magnetic North. You might as well take moral instruction from your bile duct." (This is Pete Hutchens replyin ta hiz bruthr'z flatlander cozmawlerjee.)

All That's Blue Ain't Necessurily Risterkraddik

Ewe'z hurd o redskinz 'n Blacks 'n yellerskinz. Wayull, thar'z unuther groop yew don hear bowt. Whin ah wuz a yungun in furss grade ('ewe relizezat wuz a hunnert lonnnnng yurz ago), thar wuzzis one li'l boy who got made fun o all the time. It wuz cuz he wuz blue-skinned. Us uther yungunz alweez thunk't mebbe he wuz dyin, so we'd all steer clear o him. He wuz mighty lonely. (One day when he wuz abowt 20, he dun gone 'n shot hizself.)

But now, ah know he warn't alone and also what cawzd his problim. (My granny aleez WUZ aginst kin murryin kin.)

Ingeenyuss!

Seemzat a restaurant owner in VA is sellin gourmet popsiklz 'n upsettin the FedSnooperz in the process. (Ah deklayuh, the gummint haz gotta be the wurss skwelcher of innervashn thar iz!!!) But this done gimme an ahdee: whut if ah started sellin mah own verzhn o them icy treats, usin the fluid frum mah still az the base? Ah kin jiss see it now: "Granny'z Ozark Popsicles"----ah cood git az famuss 'n rich az ole Mr. Kellogg!

Ah thank ah'll jiss sit down right now 'n whip out a leddr ta Mr. Trader Joe. He'd be jiss the sorda buyer who'd preshate mah produck.

Ov Burkaz'n Bress Cancer

"Breast tumors are awake during the day, and melatonin puts them to sleep at night." Add artificial light to the night environment, and "cancer cells become insomniacs..." (Story)

Majin that! Mebbe them thar Muzlimz iz onta sumpin, mekkin thur wimminfolk wear them ole Hallerween costoomz...

The Ghost in the Gallixy

Didjoo know't thar'z glactik cannibullizm goin on? Iss true! The Milky Way luvs ta munch on starz. (For a intreegin picsher of the predashn, click here.) Seemz't the yooniverse beat us ta scifi, jiss like it beat us in errornawtix 'n velcro 'n strong thrayud 'n chimikl warfare 'n...

Yew reckun the bottom line izzat we ain't nuthn but self-inflatid copycats?

Kiss Them Klektivist Noshnz G'bye

Over the yearz, the tribalists' favert argyoomint frum nachur fer the suppozd supeeryoritty ov "the hive" haz bin the beez. But now them folk'z got ta face the myoozick: "At least 75 percent of the 4,500 bee species in the United States and Canada live solitary lives." (We'z got Hermit Crabz, so Hermit Beez ain't that furfetcht a idee.)

Ah'z all fer it.

Bionik Barbie

This here android (jiss why izzit they ain't calld "gynoidz" if they'z femayl?) iz Valerie, built by an Amurrikn feller. Ain't she proof pozzitiv't thangz ain't rozy in BionikVille!? Jiss lookit them eyez n that thar mouth! Ohhh, she'z bin cryin buckits, 'ass fer shore! Yet ah thawt the whole point o bein a robot iz nevr havin ta hassl with messy thangz like emoshnz (er body flooidz). Musta bin some sorda glitch when she wuz wired 'n uhssimbld.

N speakin ov emoshnz, the minnit she meets up with Repliee n Eve, donchoo reckun they'z gonna tear her apart with jellussy? Cuz if thar wuz a Miss Bionic pajint, yew kin be shore't Val'd winnit hanz down!

Now, jiss wait: iss jiss a maddr o time before FAD (Fatsoz Against Discrimination) will be sooin all them robot-mekkerz fer not perdoossin no 3B'z (Big Beautiful Bodiez).

Kreeya Had Ta Keep Up With The Jonesiz

Meet "EveR-1," the Kreeyun "Repliee" to that thar androyd ah jiss got dun postin bowt. She'z so reel-lookin, iss SKEERY! Whuddyoo mekk o that thar ironik cast ta them eyez?

N how bowt that thar name! Izzat a pun bowt her bein immordl? Or cood it be her way o sayin no uthr androyd'll evr trump her (incloodin Repliee)?

Now, that thar sloot she'z givin: yoo reckun thass her sekrit signull ta the Kreeyun verzhn o the CIA? Er mebbe iss jiss lettin awl the malez know not ta mess with her, cuz she'z a expurt in Kung Foo? Thin uhgin, mebbe iss nuthn more'n her gittin caught in the middl o tossin her hair back ovr her showldr.

All Ain't Byookolik In BionikVille

Now if ewe wuz thankin't androydz ain't got no wurriez, thank agin. Evidintly, if they'z bin dizynd with rosasha er akne, they ain't none too happy bowt it.

Tekkin It Wun Step Further

Thar'z all this talk bowt bein abl ta replace more 'n more of folks' limz 'n orgunz with sintheddik wunz (ishoo aside: whether a body'd wanna aksepp sumpin thass got "sin" built in). Wayull, ah'z bin thankin bowt that n wunnrin: iffn ewe wuz ta git nuffa yer parts replaced, woodjoo thin ind up az a android? Where do we draw the line?

Uthr, evn more impordunt, kwestchun: kin they perdooss a sintheddik soul?

Android Antix

This is "Repliee 2," a Japunneze Bionic Wummun. Don she look REAL? Ah'z impresst. (Yew reckun they'll be yoozin the likes o her fer espeeunnawj?)

Now whut ah ain't clear on: that thar name o herz, duzzit havta do with her bein programmed (like ole Charmin' Chatty back in '65) ta give only surtn answerz? Or izzit referrin ta her tindincy ta keel ovr at the hips? Or mebbe iss just hintin at the "lie" that she iz?

N how in tarnashn do yew PERNOWNCE 'at name?!?

Mah Kyoor 4 It

Haz yew bin hearin lots bowt "awtizm" lately? They'z abuzz bowt that thar disorder that uhflix awl kinda pohr yung-unz nowadayz. Them resurchrz got awl manner o thurreez bowt whut kawziz it.

Wayull, ah kin put a ind ta awllat spekyoolashn. The answer'z az plain az yer hiney: iss cuz purrints iz ferever tellin them yung-unz they awtta be doin this n they awtta not be doin'at. Lay off the "awttaz" n ah reckun that thar disordr'd kyoor itself!

He'z Alreddy Reperdoossin!!!!!

Iffn yew rayud mah lass poss, yew'll be uhstowndid ta fahnd owt that replicashn iz alreddy unnerway.

Mahndjoo, when this yung-un gits a bout of the "turribl two'z," ah reckun yew'd beddr hayud fer the hillz, cuz the effeck'd be abowt like Hurrikin Kuhtreena.

(Ah'z wunnrin: yew reckun mebbe ah awtter rename this here blawg "Vurchull Granny?")

Bionik Man Iz A Flintstone

They'z jiss uppt the auntie: Virtual Man Helps Guide Doctors

Move Over, Wheat! Ewe'z Gittin Compitishn!

With plastik gittin a bad name the past 2 decaydz er so (karsinnerjinz), it stanz ta reezun't the industry'd be lookin ta find a way to git back inta ahr good graciz, so ta speak. Wayull, they'z hit the jackpot: seemz't thar'z wurk unnerway ta perdooss plastik frum taters and sugar. Whodda thunk't the crops o the fyootchur'd be taters 'n sugarbeets! Iderho'd beddr brayce itself fer a massive case o californicizashn!

Kum ta thank ov it, this might also be the slooshn ta all them lanfill problimz, bec. duzzis mean 'at that kinda plastik'll be edibl (kinda lahk them wax spektiklz n teeth n noziz they yoozta mekk fer Hallerween)? Cuzzat'd mean we'd be eatin ahr own plastik refyooz.

Now thar'z yer ULTIMUTT Bionik Man: yoomunz az walkin waste receptiklz.

Count Me Out!

Bionik, here we kum: they'z workin on makin plastik blud. (Woon't it be a lot cheaper jis ta use them lite-weight styrerfoam pellits ewe put in them thar big ole beanbagz?)

Duds

Ah'z nevr unnerstood why them thar fellerz wearz them fancy muumuuz (mutturniddy owtfits, no less!) . Don it say sumpin in the O.T. bowt minfolk not wearin wimminfolk's togz?

Who'z Who?

Looks like resurcherz iz havin the same difficulties in thur work az ah'z got ever day when ah look arown me: "It's been getting more and more difficult for us to say what's a human and what's an ape..."