Spurchull Scroojiz

Yew know that thar Skripsher't sez, "grouchiz is ferever crotchity, but a murry heart haz a continyul feast"? N that uthr wun't sez thar'z a tahm ta laff n evn a tahm ta dance!!!!! Wayull, summun over at the commints @ Pyroz needz ta revyoo them versiz, cuzzat pursun wuz bein awl sourballish bowt them touchay posterz (see mah prevyuss intry). In the dayz ov "A Modist Perpozal," no doubt that thar curmudjun comminter wooda had ole Mr. Swiff hung't the gallowz.

Ah haz a kweschun fer them folk: do yew thank't the uhbility ta laff iz a produck ov The Fall? Ah diklayer, evn the gullz n the horses n the chimps n the pugs laffs.

If them Curmudjunz had creadid the yoonivurs, it woulda lookt like this:

No colorz: jiss black n grey n white

No textchurz: jiss slippery smooth everythang

No wunnerful scents er uhromaz: jiss the stinch o mildew

No ability ta laugh: jiss a permanint scowl on everbuddy'z face

No myoozickl instrumints: just gruff-voyced playnsong

No mockinbirdz: jiss crowz n buzzurdz

No froot-jooss: jiss water

No spirits: jiss codliver oil

No tastebudz, no nerve endinz in yer fingerz or in yer privitt parts

No sirree, them ole FrumpHearts wooda creatid a indliss Siberia.

With Apawlerjeez Ta Them Pyroz

Over at wunna mah favert blawgz, they'z bin doin the bess job o lampoonin the so-called Emurjunt Church (emurjunt, all right----frum the Nether Pit). They'z got a whole set o posters that'll giv ewe the bess abz wurkout. (Mekk shore yew vyoo all'v um, cuz they'z distribyootid uhmungst 2 differnt posts.) They'z right on the mark. But wunna them posterz cood boomerang. Here it iz:
Now, here'z whut them with the Turribl Twoz Theawlujee cood do with it:

Evn Beddr, AKA Popsiklz Redux

A li'l while back, yew'll recawl't ah wuz thankin bowt marketin popsiklz frum mah still. Wayull, knsidrin that them popsiklz woon't be in demand year-rown cepp mebbe in placiz like Nuvadder, SoCal n Arizoner, ah wuz scratchin mah hayud bowt whut uthr produck ah might be abl ta purdooss with mah fine spurrits. Yooreka, "seek'n ewe shall find" haz wuncet agin prooved itself: ahza gonna mekk moonshine lipbalm.

Whut? Yoo thank ah'z off mah rocker? Wayull, aside frum the fack 'ass bin troo purdy much fer dekaydz, tekk a look @ this ardikkl n see if ah ain't on the right track! Ah figyur, lipbalmz not only in dimand all yur rown, but 2-3x/day! (N az weddin shower faverz, too!) Thank o how minny o mah li'l tubz ah'd be abl ta sell in jiss a munth! Why, with this here inkum, ah'll be abl ta buy me sum lan near the oshun, n hav me a spashuss howse with lossa big winders, n awl the critterz ta mekk up a minajeree: cowz, pigz, goats, geese, chickinz, a macaw n a conure...Plus, a wardin ta look after'm (mah ole bone'z iz too stiff n weak fer that task).

Yurnin

Ah jis done gone'n changd mah profile kweschun, which minchund traynz. Thar'z sumpin bowt the sownd ov a train whistle that mezmeriziz me---sorda like a wolf gits mezmurized by the moon. Ah dunno whut iggzackly goze on butween mah sowl n that thar moanin (the foghorn at the harbor duz the same thang), but it jiss mekks me wanna tekk off fer the wild yonder, hobo-style, n nevr kum back.

Mebbe iss mah vurzhn o wherewolfizm. ;)

Suspishnz Cnfurmd

Jiss lahk ah'z aleez sed, all that thar "ecyoominnikl dialog" wuz jiss a klossull rooz: they'z still got the same vyoo o Protestantizm azzay did durin the Inkwizishn. (Innybuddy who'z bin keepin track knowed that, since they hain't never retracted Trint.) All that thar ECT bizniss wuz jiss a clever ploy they yoozed, since in democratic societeez, they kint apply their torchur tactix.

Kindrud Sowl

Ah'z got a dissunt cuzzin out in the blogosfear: Hillbilly White Trash. Ah jiss koon't ruzziss passin wunna hiz linez on ta yew. "...to support the giveaway programs which keep enough people dependant on you so that you seldom need to fear not being reelected, you need a tax which is easy to raise because addiction to government subsidy is like addition to heroin. The amounts needed to satisfy continually go up." (7/7/07 post)

From Ozarx Ta Onyx

Cepp fer purdy beedlz, all ah'z ever felt fer bugz iz loathin (they'z prennyul skwattrz in mah li'l cabin!!!), but whodda thunk't all this time, us hillbilliez haz bin sittin on crawlin gold? Awl theze decaydz, we'ze bin suffrin pawverddy when we cooda bin millyunayrz!

Iffn over the nex fyoo munss this here blawg gits ta stagnatin, yew'll know iss cuz ah'z bizzy ousside ferretin crawliez 'n fillin jarz with'm! Bonanza, here ah cum!