Green Undeez

Leev it ta them Japuhneez ta kum up with uhmazn invinchunz! If they kin jiss fahnd a way ta tranzmawgrifahee these inta a infanss'n tawdlurz vurzhn, they'll mekk a 5tune!

Swine Flu: Don Let It Cow U

The pigz iz in the dawghowse right now: that ole so-called "Swine Flu" (which kyooryussly enuff in the past was cawled "Spanish Flu") haz cawzd Rusher n Chiner'z bannin pork frum Mexico, n Indernezha'z fixin ta distroy imported produx made frum the oinks. (Yew reckun purdy soon we might be dealin with "Mad Pig Disease"? Ah haz vizhns ov "The Night of the Lepus" n Hitchcock's "The Birds." )

Vurryuss thawts haz been millin arown in mah hayud bowt this: izzere sum sorda porkbarrul polytix behind this? Don this smayull a lot like SARZ? An since (accordin ta the abuv-refernct ardikkl) "the Mexican virus has genetic material from swine, bird and human influenza strains," ah'z pahrflee inclined ta suspeck that this here ladist "eppydemick" (that 3rd sillybull iz highly suspishuss!) iz a MANufactured mutation, unleashed by some sorda evil hanz. Mebbe sum sorda fannaddik Muzlim groop sint it owt cuzza thur hatrid o pigz? Mebbe they thawt it wood mekk pigz the new pariahz in the food markits?

Yew reckun the piggybank manufacturers might go bankrupp?

UPDATE!!!! This ardikkl summun juss sint me (where it sez the floo cood hav surryuss effex on travlin) mekks me wunner if this "pandemikk" ain't mebbe summun'z idee ov finally deelin with the Mexican Tsoonami, aka illegull immigration...

Faster'n Yew Kin Say "False Flag"!

It kntinyewz apace: 9/11, "Patriot" Act & "Homeland Security" were Part 1. Next, "Taliban attack on the White House"? Wouldn't they love that, the collectivists, in furthering their greed for martial law---and their long coveted demise of the constitutional system (what's left of it---pun intended)! 2/27/33-plus-Article 48-Weimar Constitution-redux.

Giv'm Yer Pinkie Toe & They'll Grab Yer Layg

They'z bin underminin the constitutional process (aka freedom 'n justice) thru the back door fer decaydz. The so-called "bail-out" was jiss anuthr step. Here's proof:

GM CEO Wagoner to step down

at White House request

DETROIT – General Motors Corp. Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner will step down immediately at the request of the White House, administration officials said Sunday. The news comes as President Obama prepares to unveil additional restructuring [doncha just LUV that Bolshevikese?] efforts designed to save [yah, right: code for "Communist take over"] the domestic auto industry.

So, Hitler had his Beetle, 'n Eess Jurmunny wuz acrawlin with Trabbies (Trabant); whud'yew reckun the Obarfmabile will look like? N Since when duz a prezidint have the awthorty ta "ask" a CEO ta step down?

Velvit gluv Stalinism.

No Amount Of Pink Stuff

...will suffice ta cover the effect this has on me.

Bosch @ his worst woonta bin able ta kum up with this sorda muhturryul (or Dante, for that maddr).

Spam: The Noo MurthMekkr

Theez iz adz frum mah emayl box:

Turn the worm in your pants into a python [Who'd wanna mekk the ringwurm git bigger?!]

Unleash your tank cannon 2day [Thiss muss be sumpin bowt tranzformin yer owthowse inta a weppin fer the cummin NWO tekkovr]

Women hate men with small equipment [Ah dunno, ah purfur the dinnist ta yooz the smallest drill possibl]

With a 9-inch tool you'll always be confident [No. Revenooerz only respeck shootin ahrnz, not no rinky-dink screwdriver.]

She can't get enough of my tool now [Iss troo, wuncetchoo lurnz how awl them toolz in hiz shayud wurks, they'z TUNZA fun ta run! Almoss az good az a nittn musheen!]

Grow and grow non-stop [Skoolmarm commints on this: great material for a hilarious satire, aka "The man whose male member grew to the size of the Empire State Building" (totally dwarfing him): he ended up scaring AWAY all the ladies, since his "tool" became the new Godzilla...]

Presto Changeo!

Got this in a emayl:

It is true that the Splenda molecule is comprised of sucrose (sugar) — except that three of the
hydroxyl groups in the molecule have been replaced by three chlorine atoms.

While some industry experts claim the molecule is similar to table salt
or sugar, other independent researchers say it has more in common with
pesticides. That's because the bonds holding the carbon and chlorine
atoms together are more characteristic of a chlorocarbon than a salt —
and most pesticides are chlorocarbons. The premise offered next is that
just because something contains chlorine doesn't guarantee that it's
toxic. And that is also true, but you and your family may prefer not to
serve as test subjects for the latest post-market artificial sweetener
experiment — however "unique."

Ah yooz Splendy awl the time. It don hav a lodda carbz. Ah kin't believe a pesticide cuzzin cood taste that sweet! Whodda thunk't kloreen'd hav sech tasty kinfolk?

Yew reckun that mebbe over tahm, it'll bleach the sass owta me?

Since Whin?

I don unnerstand this imuj: why would ah want "fuller" hair? A fuller'll jiss mekk it white, but mahn'z bowt az white as Anny R. Dick. But whuss evn mohr puzzlin? Since whin do white hair mekk a body look yunger? Ah meen, ah know't in this day 'n aje, "sick" = "good," "hot" = "cool," raunchy = "sexy," n evil = "good" (Isaiah had a lot ta say bowt that), folk diez thur hayur pink n purpl 'n green, but snowy hair = younger lookin? 'At seemz ta go too fur evn fer taday'z whacky yardstick.

Knfliktn Rezults (N Feelinz!)

You Have A Green Mind

Of all the mind types, yours has the most balance. You are able to see all sides to most problems and are a good problem solver. You need time to work out your thoughts, but you don't get stuck in bad thinking patterns. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about the future, philosophy, and relationships (both personal and intellectual).

What Color Is Your Mind?

"Green" mind? (Duzzat go with mah red pursnaliddy?) That cood mean awl manner o thangz: lichen er weeds er mold growin insida mah hunnert'n sebbn year ole noggin, aka snillity; ecofreak tindinciez.

Thin agin, it cood mean fertl thankin, too. Ah'll tekk that wun.

A Hanfl

You Are a Red Crayon

Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors. You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself. Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming. Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships. Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy. ['Ass right: ah kin't STAND ecofreakizm.]

What Color Crayon Are You?

O Course, Thar'z Folk Who'll DisUhgree...

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. [Spellin don't cownt.] An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view. [Not so shore bowt this part. Only if the info iz innerestin or yoossfl.] A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. [Ah reckun this uhppliez in mohr wayz'n wun!] You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator. [Me a pollytishn? ROTFL!]

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Majin That!

You Are a Total Brainiac

You're amazingly brilliant. Some would even say genius. [Shore, in mah own way ah iz.] You're curious, thoughtful, analytical, and confident. [Bullzeye] You take on difficult subjects because you want to... not because you have to. [Long'z it don involve sanss or math] No field of knowledge is too complicated or intimidating for you. [Wayull, not quite: numberz stump me inny day.] You've got the brains to do anything you want. It's possible you end up doing everything you want. [Ah reckun they mean, "Everything you ever dreamed of doing." Morullz 'n ethix perhibit doin inny ole thang yew want.]

Are You a Brainiac?

Ah know thar'z folk owt thar thankin, "She kin't be no brayniak! She only finished furss grayd!!!" Them folk needs ta remimber thar's a diffurnce between intellijince n edjoomakashn. The wun iz innate, t'othr'z uhkwired.

Soul-Stuntin

You Are a Reluctant Shopper

You really don't enjoy shopping. For you, it's just another chore. You approach shopping systematically. You research what you're going to buy and come prepared with a list. Of all the types, you are the most likely to not buy things you don't need. You try to de-emphasize stuff in your life. You find shopping and buying things to be a rather empty experience.

What Kind of Shopper Are You?

Only tahm this don uhpply iz whin ah'z in a crafss or fabrik shop: thin, ah'z in hawg hevvin. ;)

No Surprahz Thar

You Are 20% Nerdy

You are definitely not nerdy - in fact, you probably don't know any nerds. You probably care a little too much about your image. No one will know if you secretly watch Star Trek reruns!

How Nerdy Are You?

Star Trek rerunz? They muss be thankin ov mah luv-uhfayr with the night-time sky: ah'z alweez lookin out thar at them cleschull dymunz.

But whut really gits me abowt this "quiz" rezult? 'At thar TODULLY inuhpplikabl picsher: oh, whud ah woon't GIVE ta look like that. Mercy, ah din't evn look lahk that whin ah wuz that AGE! (On 2nd thawt, she looks lahk wunna them androids ah wrote abowt a while back! Ah reckun ah'd rathr be a real-live prooney granny than a plastik dawl!)

Awright, Now Ah Unnerstan

This ixplaynz (a) why thangz with the ole man din't wurk owt n (b) why ah don git along with 99% ov wimmin:

Your Inner Gender is Male

You are rational, matter of fact, and quite dominant. You like to get things done, without any emotional messiness. You truly don't understand most women. And you definitely feel more comfortable around men. No doubt about it. You're a guy - at least on the inside.

What's Your Inner Gender?

Rerunz, Pt. 3

Based on past incidenss, ah fully ixpectid summun ta reveel't Pardo wuz the self-effacin type. Bingo: wasn't well-known by neighbors, who described him as a quiet man... Darlene Underwood, a waitress at the [Montrose] bakery, served Pardo regularly at Table 4 and described him as "very nice, very polite." He was also reserved, Underwood said.

Uthr revealin detaylz include:

• Bruce Pardo's wife was appalled to learn that years earlier he had abandoned a brain-damaged son but still claimed him as a tax write-off.

• Pardo used remnants of the Santa suit to booby-trap his rental car to explode...Pardo wired the suit so when it was lifted it "would pull a trip wire or a switch, ignite a flare inside the car that would then ignite black powder and he had several hundred rounds of handgun ammunition inside the car."

Rerunz, Pt. 2

In past intreez bowt guyz lahk Pardo, ah purdicted the yoozhwull "whodda thunk" reakshn frum folks who'd knowd the purpitraitor (which o course alweez stringthnz mah suspishnz bowt the guy bein mind-kntrolled). This time arown, it warn't no diffurnt (don't nobuddy ayulse in this lan see the patturn n wunner bowt it? Iz an ole hick hag with no more'n a furss grade edjoomakashn the ONLY pursun ta smayull the coffee? Mebbe iss mah still sips mekkin mah brayn more insightfl...):

When told of the killings, friends of Pardo struggled to believe what had taken place.

“Bruce?” said Jan Detanna, the head usher at his church. “He was the nicest guy you could imagine. Always a pleasure to talk to, always a big smile.”

Rerunz, Nuthn But Rerunz

Whud izzit with these mass-carnij incidinss ever so minny munss? Ain't them globuliss EVER gonna kum up with sumpin less obvyuss (& o course, it goes without sayin ever single incidint iz diabawlikl beyon wurdz)?

Furss irony: with a name like "Pardo," the guy's got 2 strikes aginst him, seein that "pard" iz poedikkl fer "leopard" (n az we awl know, they kint change thur sposs), and to boot, he ain't gonna git no "pardon" fer hiz killin spree & arsun. 2nd irony: The self-same sintheddik Santy outfit he wore az hiz disguize proved ta be hiz own privitt fryin cell.

Lookin at hiz mug, yew git the distink impreshn he yoozed ta be militurree (mebbe evn a resurvist?). Now, if yew'z kepp up with mah blawg ovr the yeerz, yew kin alreddy purdick whut ah'z gonna (agin) surmize: the militurree perpitraitored mind-kntrowl on'im, and he probly wuz/had bin on sum sorda mind-meds (Prozak, Paxull, er sech).

Ah know ah'z sowndin like a brokin rekurd @ this point, but that-thar m.o. iz mighty ole hat by now.

Fruit 4 Thawt

Ah'z bin wundrin bowt sumpin: why do you reckun iss cawled "impeachmint" when the fella iss happnin to hardly feels peachy-keen abowt it?

Misnowmr If Ah Evr Hurd Wun

Why iz they called "candidates," them thar prezidinchl uhspirerz, when they'z nuthin but a packka mindashuss wolvez?